You have passed a bench every time you have passed by the park during your busy commutes. Feeling her slipping through your fingers you decide to stop and walk through the park. There is a bench in the shade that is seemingly used not often enough. Why is it that we decide to stop and live when we believe we are losing or have lost something or someone we really cannot possess? The water keeps flowing as the feelings cloud all other senses. Reflecting in the water is images of a role played, a insight to mirrored truths.
The cars passing on the bridge are drowned out by the sound of the water splashing against the rocks. A breeze cools the soul from the fires of regret burning for so long. The warm sun peeks through the tree branches as if to warm cold thoughts. A glimmer of a memory of a selfless gift overcomes these regretful feelings. Today is the day we take charge of our own lives. We have the ability to see truths without pain to successfully be aware. It is time to take time to be grateful for our lives, our loves. In stillness the mind calms and the source of our lives energy is at our feet.
I have passed this park so many times on my busy schedules through the years. I walked along this trail to get across town as a kid. Usually to go to my favorite swimming hole down river. One day I stopped and sat on this bench. I found myself in a selfless way as I felt sense of wonder for our home. Like a child lying in the grass looking up towards the stars on a hot summer night, a sense of belonging overtook my everyday routine. Memories of a early relationship entered my peaceful solitude while I sat and gazed at the water. My heart was broken when it ended years ago. I do not know why feelings came back and why I felt fear as my thoughts shifted towards climate change. .
Feeling the regret of words I could not take back out of anger I felt loss. She was my world but I did not know me. I took too much from her love and could not love her the way she wanted me to. I could not spend any time with the one person I needed to and that person was myself. I had too much fear so I was selfish and I took too much. I thought that she was my world and I had lost her. The fact is, I did not lose my world. I was just starting to discover it.
I have had a very busy life and reality is it was redundant until change decided to visit. A seed was planted by a break up, a loss of someone I could not possess. A memory to become a tool for change. I was able to see my reflection and look myself in the eye. With the wind rustling through the pine trees needles the birds seemed to start singing. They had always been there, I just did not hear them. The beauty that surrounds us is as vulnerable as the woman I loved. If I knew that I had enough I would not have took too much from her. Like the world, if I knew what I was really doing I would have noticed her wilting. I could not see this cold hard fact in front of me. I would have gave her nourishment to thrive not the poison from my run off. I could have changed which would have made change then. So today I have today to do better than yesterday.
